i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
