i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
