i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
