This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
