I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Shame - the story of my life.
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