if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
