I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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