Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
