Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
