She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
