i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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