I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
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