Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
