drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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