I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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