Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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