watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
