I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize