I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
