If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
