I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
