That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
