We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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