lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
