then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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