I look better un-naked...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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