My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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