she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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