Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
