God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
