It's like God shit irony all over that family
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
