I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
