My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
