So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
