and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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