Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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