Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
