Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
ok first of all what the fuck
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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