I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
