Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
