We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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