Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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