Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
