More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize