I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize