God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
