i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
