Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
