All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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