i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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