guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
