if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize