I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
