Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
