Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My bed smells like the plague
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
