I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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