I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
