Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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