if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sext me about skeletons
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
