Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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