It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
