I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize